Sunday, January 8, 2017

A Slow Climb

I have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It’s called the unknown.  I’m scared.  I’m sleeping in the spare bedroom with my dogs, and hearing my child unhindered and hopeful about the future makes me envious.  I don’t know where I’ll be in a year.  I’m not sure where I’ll be in a month.  I wanted to take this slowly, but I’m looking at rentals, being forced to parcel out furniture and decor.  I opened a kitchen drawer to stir my coffee this morning, and wondered which spoons would be allotted to me.

It’s petty, it’s necessary, and I hate it.  Part of me would like to walk out of here with the clothes on my back and my dogs at my heels and start with nothing again.  But I’m not stupid.  This place was as much mine.  I want to spend as much time with my child as I can.  I need a bed and clothes and dishes.

I’m so scared.  And I am on this roller coaster that goes up to the top of the hill with confidence and some anger, ready to start again, and then I’m plummeting down the hill of uncertainty and terror and depression, not certain i want to wake up to face tomorrow.

Deep breaths, slow down, move forward.  Nothing can grow without some changes.  I can’t get stronger without carrying weight.  Thanks for staying with me, and know I’m thankful for everyone who’s been here for me.  Onward to tomorrow.


SueC said...

Sorry that you are going through this, Tiffany. The unknown is scary for sure. You are strong and resilant and loved by many. Make plans when it is logical to do so, and otherwise take each moment of each day as it comes. Ask for help when you need it. Nature and friends are always there to help heal your soul.

Shannon Gallagher said...

So sorry Tiff. Been there, done that , but thankfully I didn't have a child in the mix. Exactly what Sue said!! Things will be OK and it is OK to be scared. You will find your footing.

Hrach_Garden said...

Thank you both. I will get through this.