Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The doldrums.

I seem to have hit dead water in my running world. I'm still trying, I'm getting up and getting in my minimal mile a day, sometimes more, but nothing like I want to be or should be doing. The wind has gone out of my sails.

I know a lot of this is to do with my headspace. It's been a difficult month for me, because of myself. I do my best to be a good person for the people in my life, for the people I meet, for the people I care about, but the more I concentrate on people around me, the more I neglect myself or the people that I'm closest to and the things I care about the most. It's not a good thing.

So my running has suffered as I think about the person I am and the person I want to be. I know this is a bit deep for my blog, but I think the breeze is picking up. I need to keep learning about what makes me the person I am, and try to get rid of the things that make me feel bad, guilty, and unworthy of the things that are important.

Maybe the breeze is gone, maybe there is no wind in my sails, but dammit, I have strong arms, and I know how to paddle.

Time to lace back up and get strong again.


Pam J. said...

You wrote: "I think about the person I am and the person I want to be.... I need to...get rid of the things that make me feel bad, guilty, and unworthy...."

I understand these feelings oh so well. I call them my self-loathing feelings, and I don't know why I have them. Objectively I'm a decent person, kind to others blahblahblah. But subjectively I wrestle constantly with feelings of not being good enough, or always having to improve something about myself. I'm quite a bit older than you and I'd like to say that with age I've learned where these feelings come from & to accept myself but alas I can't say that. My only theory about the cause has to do with my parents, who were good and decent people but angry people -- not abusive, just angry, fearful of raising two girls. Neither expressed love outwardly -- there were no hugs or kisses or "I love yous" in my childhood. I hid in my room as a teenager, hiding from something, and I left home at 19 with one-day's notice. Not sure why I'm prattling on about this, but your post caused these feelings to surface and maybe they will help you feel that sometimes the cause of our inner worries just can't be found. Age has given me this bit of wisdom: there are not always answers to our questions, or solutions to our problems.

Lace back up! Be good to others, and to yourself. It's really all we can do.

Hrach_Garden said...

Thanks Pam! I too had a difficult childhood, and I am constantly re-evaluating myself, telling myself I'm not good enough, or I'm not feeling like I'm giving enough to the people around. I get upset at myself emotionally, and I then I start to isolate myself because I don't want to be bad for people... so it cycles.